Letters to Adri were my “gateway” into blogging. I came across this one from 18 months ago over the holidays and had to share!
Tonight I was gently petting your head as you fell asleep, a calming ritual that daddy or I do each and every night in your little bed. We’ve already said bedtime prayers, but each night I continue them silently, praying for things I don’t wish to give a voice to. The dim light from your gro clock throws shadows on your face, giving a glimpse at a future you – 8 or 9, 12 or 13 – and I’m struck by your beauty.
I wonder what 9 year old and 13 year old Adri will be like. I wonder what 34 year old and 38 year old mommy will be like. I consider my future self thinking back to you as a 3 year old. “remember when we used to pet your head every night to help you fall asleep?” I despair my already fading memories and know that that future self will have only a slightly warm and fuzzy memory of something that is currently so real and tangible. I want to take a picture but know it still wouldn’t capture all the hopes and dreams, fears and musings of a mommy to a 3 year old and transport them to that mommy of a 13 year old.
I wish someone would invent a device to do just that. Then I would still remember the exact feeling of holding you for the first time, freshly born. I could relive the joy I took in your gummy, toothless smile and all the many other firsts – foods, crawling and walking, signing and talking.
Until such a thing is invented, I will continue to try and do my best to put these experiences and memories down “on paper” and hope that it will do justice to both our future selves looking back on these priceless moments.
I love you.
Love , Mommy.